JoeWinko
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This is gonna be a really long post, but it's kinda explaining why I signed up for this forum and many other paranormal forums I'm on. I talked about this on other webforums but people always seem to get heated up and angry at me for having this perspective on life and for feeling this way, even though it's just about myself..
BUT FIRST: DO NOT JUDGE ME ON ANY OF MY DECISIONS AT ALL or how I think. I'm not looking for 'advice' either and I'm definitely not looking for criticism, and I definitely won't listen to it either. It'll just make me really angry. I just wanted to vent this kinda because I keep it to myself too often, and I also kinda think some people here may find it interesting.
I signed up for this webforum because I feel like there's a chance I might die and become a ghost soon. when I first said that in my introduction post, one person thought I was suicidal, BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE, how I think i'm going to die and what i'm describing here is definitely not suicide, although, I understand why someone would think that at first, but it's very insulting and ignorant for people to say that about my situation after they learned about it completely, no offense to anyone at all, but just being completely honest.
I'm also doing A LOT better now too, But anyway, on with the story:
right now, I'm a 20 year old male, I have type 1 diabetes, and I have a mild forum of autism. I live with my parents too.
Back in October of year 2013, when I was 17 years old, I started working a retail job because my parents wanted me to get one. I was excited for it at first, but soon after I started it, I HATED IT and I would dread it too. I wanted to quit, but my parents kept pressuring me into staying, even though I complained about how much I hated it so much on multiple occasions. Eventually it started leading back to this...
BACKGROUND INFO: every since I was 14 and 15 years old (year 2010/2011), I kinda had 'depression', back then I always wanted to die, but never exactly had the guts to kill myself (however, I did end up attempting suicide once in March of 2011, but that's a whole different story). my parents knew and brought me to many therapists for it over the years. my life just seemed really gloomy and I wanted to be gone. There's many reasons why I felt this way too, I never had any friends in school at all and I was being bullied, I ALWAYS been an 'outcast' (but I actually enjoy that now) and my life just so dull, but it was also a lot of other stuff too that I don't feel like typing right now, and it was a mixture of a lot of things, I also had some really messed up stuff that happened in my life too. Now-a-days, I don't exactly feel that way anymore, but back then it was pretty bad.
In April of 2014 (when I was 18 years old), I was still at my retail job, I hated it so much, and I started thinking, "this is what I was going to live for?" "this is why I was in therapy? and why people were trying to get me to enjoy life!? it's not worth it!".
For the first time, I started self mutilation which I did from April of 2014 to August of 2014. I started cutting my wrist with broken shards of glass. I started doing that because I started to want to be dead again, but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself, so I just cut my wrist a lot instead. My co-workers all saw the cuts on my wrist too. I made it very obvious because I wanted everyone to know that I had problems (that's another reason why I started doing it). BUT it almost seemed like none of them noticed, but I know they all saw them because I made it very obvious. One time in Summer of 2014, I was helping a customer bag a couple shirts he bought and one of my cuts ripped open and blood started spewing out and the customer ran away scared. My boss was there too, but all she said was "go to the backroom and get a band-aid".
however, I stopped doing the self-mutilation in August 2014, it just wasn't doing anything. But I still hated the job and I still wanted to quit, but none of the less, my parents made me stay, even though they KNEW about the cuts on my wrist and even though they knew exactly why I was doing it because I told them. Also, in August 2014, I tried overdosing on Nyquil and my mom's blood pressure medication so I could die in my sleep one night but it obviously didn't work. I woke up perfectly fine the next day.
Fast-forward to summer of 2015 (when I was 19 years old) I was still at my same retail job, still hated it with a passion, and still wanted to quit but my parents still made me stay there. By now I started thinking about death even more again but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself. Then I remembered this girl:
^her name was tammy jo alexander. she was a 16 year old girl was from Florida who ran away to new York where she was shot to death in a cornfield. I first read about her when I was 8 years old, but back then she was unidentified, no one knew who she was until 2015 when her sister went looking for her and submitted her DNA which lead to her being identified as Tammy. Before then, she was buried in a cemetery as a Jane Doe (for those of you who don't know, a Jane Doe is the name they give to a dead female who's unidentified. John Doe is for unidentified dead males.
I read about other Jane Doe and John Doe cases too and due to my autism, I've became obsessed with these. It also turns out that Tammy Jo Alexander had a history of running away with truck drivers she met. reading this lead to me looking on craigslist for truck drivers to run away with. I developed a death-wish/fantasy of running away with a truck driver online, being taken to a far away place, being shot and/or stabbed to death and killed and left for dead. Then I would be found but no one would know who I was and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe.
like this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrtwlHPnAV0
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFGSTxXtrGE
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AducSyJuSe4
I started telling my parents about this and they were a bit upset at first but they just didn't really give a toss. it didn't really matter to me though. I didn't have much luck with finding a truck driver to run away with, but if I had more time I probably would have.
In December of 2015 (when I turned 20) my parents were planning on going on a road trip to FLORIDA. I LOVE FLORIDA! and I really wanted to go and I was really excited about going. when I found out about the florida trip, I stopped looking for truck drivers online to run away with because I wanted to go to florida. The trip was planned for January of 2016. At work, I requested those days off but they all got denied. when I asked my boss about it, she said that she couldn't give me those days off because the store was doing inventory those days. I was furious but I didn't flip out at all.
the fact was, I HATED that job with an extreme passion! and I wasn't about to let it stop me from going to florida! so I wrote up a 2 week notice and told my boss I was quitting. IT WAS BY FAR, THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But I didn't tell that to my parents but eventually, they would find out...
a couple weeks passed and year 2016 began. Me and my parents started our roadtrip to Florida. Halfway though, we stopped to stay the night in Louisville Kentucky. My parents and I were in the same hotel room, and then this happened...
my dad snores REALLY loud, I couldn't sleep, so I said that I was going to leave and find a guy on grindr to stay the night with. My mother got angry at me about this and we got into an argument in the hotel room, my dad woke up and all 3 of us were arguing. My dad then said "ok, let's turn around and go back home". I got angry and said "hell no! I wanted this vacation! I quit my job to go on it!". My mother (being the colossal/controlling bitch she is) got really pissed off and angry, and then she told me, "You are not going to be sitting around our house doing nothing! we're kicking you out!"
then I cursed her out and told her that I was going to run away and die and be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. then I called her a bitch and left.
You all may be wondering, "how can someone die just from running away?" this is how... I am a type 1 diabetic, meaning that I need to take insulin injections to stay alive. If I stopped taking my insulin, my blood sugars would go up, my blood would become acidic, then I would pass out and go into a deep coma, all of my organs would shut down and then I would die. That would only take 2-5 days to happen.
I left the hotel WITHOUT my insulin that night on purpose, and my parents knew it because I told them while we were arguing. They did absolutely nothing to stop me. it was cold in Louisville Kentucky that night and I wanted to be some place warm when I died. So I had a guy on grindr give me a ride to the greyhound bus station in Louisville and I had enough money on me to get a bus ticket to Atlanta Georgia. my plan was to go to the city, then walk as far out of the city as possible until I couldn't walk anymore and until I fall into a diabetic coma and die. Then my body would be found by strangers who wouldn't have a single clue who I was or where i came from and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe, just as I fantasized about previously. I know that seems crazy but blame my autism mind for that.
after a couple hours of being on the bus and not having my insulin, I started feeling sick right away. my stomach was churning and I felt tired and weak. I really felt like I was going to be dead soon. it was early afternoon and the bus stopped in a city called Chattanooga in Tennessee.
by the time we were there, I already felt really sick and my energy was draining. I knew I would still be alive by the time the bus reached Atlanta, but I didn't feel like I had much time left. So I prayed to god, and I told him "sorry i'm doing this God, but i'm 100% sure you understand exactly why I am. Please forgive me for every bad thing I did, please have my death pass quickly with no pain, and please send me to heaven."
MORE BACKGROUND INFO: believe it or not, but I am religious. BUT I believe that God is much more lenient than people always say he is, and I never thought god would ever send me to hell. he knew and understood exactly why I made all of those choices.
But the weird thing is, right after I was done praying, my cell phone blew up, and I answered it, and it was my mom. she was really upset and telling me that she was sorry for yelling at me and kicking me out of the hotel room, and she was really worried because she didn't know where I was.
For some reason I started crying, I know that sounds pathetic for a 20 year old man to start crying, but I did. I told her I was in Chattanooga Tennessee on a bus to Atlanta Georgia. She told me that her and dad were on their way and they told me to wait at the bus station for them.
I got off the bus, waited at the bus station. after a couple of hours, they came and picked me up, and they were also relieved that I was ok. and we went on and continued our trip down to Florida and it went very well.
Fast-forward to now, I now still live at home with my parents. I thought that eventually, they would kick me out of the house for not wanting to get a job and then I would die of no insulin, but to my surprise, they have actually became extremely lenient about all of that now.
right now, they're trying to get me on welfare/disability so I can live out on my own, because autism definitely does count as a disability no matter how 'mild' it is, and throw in diabetes, that definitely effects it too, because diabetes definitely effects your mood and how a person functions just like autism does.
But still, I still to this day think that one day, worse case scenario, I won't get on welfare at all, my parents will give up, kick me out of the house, i'll have no way of getting my insulin, I go to a far away place and die, and then i'll be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. BUT people keep forgetting that I WOULD BE OK WITH THAT! i'm not afraid to die at all. and I'm not worried or sad about it either. But every since that vacation, I've been thinking about what I'll be doing after I'm dead, and I decided that I would want to become a ghost.
BUT it's very unlikely that I actually will end up dying any time soon. I have a couple counselors who are helping me get approved for welfare, they believe that there's a pretty good chance i'll get it too because of my conditions. I wrote about all of this on my welfare application too.
But most importantly, I want to be clear that what I'm describing here is NOT SUICIDE. If I really do end up not getting approved for welfare, being kicked out of my house by my parents, and not having any way to get my insulin, and then I do end up going into a diabetic coma and dying, THAT WILL DEFINATELY NOT BE SUICIDE! I talked about this on other webforums and many people said that I would be suicide, but it's not, and it's absolutely insulting when people claim it is! it's just as twisted as a homeless person dying of hypothermia, would you blame them for their death?? because if you would, you have a seriously messed up mind...
I also started seeing a new therapist in March of 2016, but that did not go well at all, and he ended up pissing me off and I ended up cussing him out and never seeing him again. I don't plan on ever seeing another one either and I honestly believe I do not need one.
But even though it's very unlikely that I will end up dying anytime soon, I still find it extremely entertaining to think about dying and become a ghost and about me haunting all the places I wanted to haunt. and I signed up for this forum because I wanted to talk about being a ghost here because I also felt that other people would find it interesting hearing all about it.
so my future post are going to be about what i'm going to do if I ever become a ghost and where I will haunt when I become a ghost (there's a lot of place I have in mind) but to give you an idea, here's a map of all of them:
^the places shaded in purple are were my ghost will be haunting.
I will be considered a "wondering ghost". meaning that my ghost/me will travel/haunt many different places. a couple people from other paranormal webforums tried arguing against that by telling me "you can not haunt multiple places while you're a ghost! ghost are trapped were they died!" but I honestly believe that is absolute bulls**t! I believe that ghost make rules for themselves and are not trapped anywhere.
also, all those places I've chosen are not random. there's very specific reasons why have chosen those locations. many of them may seem bizarre but I will explain all of them in my future posts.
anyhow, don't let my post alarm you at all. as I said earlier, I don't think i'll be dying anytime soon, depending on exactly how things go in my life situation, and my life has actually gotten MUCH better lately. I'm much more happy now that I quit my job! but I don't plan on ever getting another one either... I tried getting a fast food job back in March of this year but I ditched that after one day for many reasons. right now, I'm just going to try to get on welfare instead. and in all honesty, I really don't give a toss on how my life ends up, or where i'll be tomorrow. I just live life one day at a time, and that's how I plan on staying.
& remember, I ain't looking for any advice either because I'm not gonna listen to it anyway. but feel free to share your thoughts on all of this, but if you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself.
BUT FIRST: DO NOT JUDGE ME ON ANY OF MY DECISIONS AT ALL or how I think. I'm not looking for 'advice' either and I'm definitely not looking for criticism, and I definitely won't listen to it either. It'll just make me really angry. I just wanted to vent this kinda because I keep it to myself too often, and I also kinda think some people here may find it interesting.
I signed up for this webforum because I feel like there's a chance I might die and become a ghost soon. when I first said that in my introduction post, one person thought I was suicidal, BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE, how I think i'm going to die and what i'm describing here is definitely not suicide, although, I understand why someone would think that at first, but it's very insulting and ignorant for people to say that about my situation after they learned about it completely, no offense to anyone at all, but just being completely honest.
I'm also doing A LOT better now too, But anyway, on with the story:
right now, I'm a 20 year old male, I have type 1 diabetes, and I have a mild forum of autism. I live with my parents too.
Back in October of year 2013, when I was 17 years old, I started working a retail job because my parents wanted me to get one. I was excited for it at first, but soon after I started it, I HATED IT and I would dread it too. I wanted to quit, but my parents kept pressuring me into staying, even though I complained about how much I hated it so much on multiple occasions. Eventually it started leading back to this...
BACKGROUND INFO: every since I was 14 and 15 years old (year 2010/2011), I kinda had 'depression', back then I always wanted to die, but never exactly had the guts to kill myself (however, I did end up attempting suicide once in March of 2011, but that's a whole different story). my parents knew and brought me to many therapists for it over the years. my life just seemed really gloomy and I wanted to be gone. There's many reasons why I felt this way too, I never had any friends in school at all and I was being bullied, I ALWAYS been an 'outcast' (but I actually enjoy that now) and my life just so dull, but it was also a lot of other stuff too that I don't feel like typing right now, and it was a mixture of a lot of things, I also had some really messed up stuff that happened in my life too. Now-a-days, I don't exactly feel that way anymore, but back then it was pretty bad.
In April of 2014 (when I was 18 years old), I was still at my retail job, I hated it so much, and I started thinking, "this is what I was going to live for?" "this is why I was in therapy? and why people were trying to get me to enjoy life!? it's not worth it!".
For the first time, I started self mutilation which I did from April of 2014 to August of 2014. I started cutting my wrist with broken shards of glass. I started doing that because I started to want to be dead again, but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself, so I just cut my wrist a lot instead. My co-workers all saw the cuts on my wrist too. I made it very obvious because I wanted everyone to know that I had problems (that's another reason why I started doing it). BUT it almost seemed like none of them noticed, but I know they all saw them because I made it very obvious. One time in Summer of 2014, I was helping a customer bag a couple shirts he bought and one of my cuts ripped open and blood started spewing out and the customer ran away scared. My boss was there too, but all she said was "go to the backroom and get a band-aid".
however, I stopped doing the self-mutilation in August 2014, it just wasn't doing anything. But I still hated the job and I still wanted to quit, but none of the less, my parents made me stay, even though they KNEW about the cuts on my wrist and even though they knew exactly why I was doing it because I told them. Also, in August 2014, I tried overdosing on Nyquil and my mom's blood pressure medication so I could die in my sleep one night but it obviously didn't work. I woke up perfectly fine the next day.
Fast-forward to summer of 2015 (when I was 19 years old) I was still at my same retail job, still hated it with a passion, and still wanted to quit but my parents still made me stay there. By now I started thinking about death even more again but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself. Then I remembered this girl:
^her name was tammy jo alexander. she was a 16 year old girl was from Florida who ran away to new York where she was shot to death in a cornfield. I first read about her when I was 8 years old, but back then she was unidentified, no one knew who she was until 2015 when her sister went looking for her and submitted her DNA which lead to her being identified as Tammy. Before then, she was buried in a cemetery as a Jane Doe (for those of you who don't know, a Jane Doe is the name they give to a dead female who's unidentified. John Doe is for unidentified dead males.
I read about other Jane Doe and John Doe cases too and due to my autism, I've became obsessed with these. It also turns out that Tammy Jo Alexander had a history of running away with truck drivers she met. reading this lead to me looking on craigslist for truck drivers to run away with. I developed a death-wish/fantasy of running away with a truck driver online, being taken to a far away place, being shot and/or stabbed to death and killed and left for dead. Then I would be found but no one would know who I was and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe.
like this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrtwlHPnAV0
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFGSTxXtrGE
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AducSyJuSe4
I started telling my parents about this and they were a bit upset at first but they just didn't really give a toss. it didn't really matter to me though. I didn't have much luck with finding a truck driver to run away with, but if I had more time I probably would have.
In December of 2015 (when I turned 20) my parents were planning on going on a road trip to FLORIDA. I LOVE FLORIDA! and I really wanted to go and I was really excited about going. when I found out about the florida trip, I stopped looking for truck drivers online to run away with because I wanted to go to florida. The trip was planned for January of 2016. At work, I requested those days off but they all got denied. when I asked my boss about it, she said that she couldn't give me those days off because the store was doing inventory those days. I was furious but I didn't flip out at all.
the fact was, I HATED that job with an extreme passion! and I wasn't about to let it stop me from going to florida! so I wrote up a 2 week notice and told my boss I was quitting. IT WAS BY FAR, THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But I didn't tell that to my parents but eventually, they would find out...
a couple weeks passed and year 2016 began. Me and my parents started our roadtrip to Florida. Halfway though, we stopped to stay the night in Louisville Kentucky. My parents and I were in the same hotel room, and then this happened...
my dad snores REALLY loud, I couldn't sleep, so I said that I was going to leave and find a guy on grindr to stay the night with. My mother got angry at me about this and we got into an argument in the hotel room, my dad woke up and all 3 of us were arguing. My dad then said "ok, let's turn around and go back home". I got angry and said "hell no! I wanted this vacation! I quit my job to go on it!". My mother (being the colossal/controlling bitch she is) got really pissed off and angry, and then she told me, "You are not going to be sitting around our house doing nothing! we're kicking you out!"
then I cursed her out and told her that I was going to run away and die and be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. then I called her a bitch and left.
You all may be wondering, "how can someone die just from running away?" this is how... I am a type 1 diabetic, meaning that I need to take insulin injections to stay alive. If I stopped taking my insulin, my blood sugars would go up, my blood would become acidic, then I would pass out and go into a deep coma, all of my organs would shut down and then I would die. That would only take 2-5 days to happen.
I left the hotel WITHOUT my insulin that night on purpose, and my parents knew it because I told them while we were arguing. They did absolutely nothing to stop me. it was cold in Louisville Kentucky that night and I wanted to be some place warm when I died. So I had a guy on grindr give me a ride to the greyhound bus station in Louisville and I had enough money on me to get a bus ticket to Atlanta Georgia. my plan was to go to the city, then walk as far out of the city as possible until I couldn't walk anymore and until I fall into a diabetic coma and die. Then my body would be found by strangers who wouldn't have a single clue who I was or where i came from and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe, just as I fantasized about previously. I know that seems crazy but blame my autism mind for that.
after a couple hours of being on the bus and not having my insulin, I started feeling sick right away. my stomach was churning and I felt tired and weak. I really felt like I was going to be dead soon. it was early afternoon and the bus stopped in a city called Chattanooga in Tennessee.
by the time we were there, I already felt really sick and my energy was draining. I knew I would still be alive by the time the bus reached Atlanta, but I didn't feel like I had much time left. So I prayed to god, and I told him "sorry i'm doing this God, but i'm 100% sure you understand exactly why I am. Please forgive me for every bad thing I did, please have my death pass quickly with no pain, and please send me to heaven."
MORE BACKGROUND INFO: believe it or not, but I am religious. BUT I believe that God is much more lenient than people always say he is, and I never thought god would ever send me to hell. he knew and understood exactly why I made all of those choices.
But the weird thing is, right after I was done praying, my cell phone blew up, and I answered it, and it was my mom. she was really upset and telling me that she was sorry for yelling at me and kicking me out of the hotel room, and she was really worried because she didn't know where I was.
For some reason I started crying, I know that sounds pathetic for a 20 year old man to start crying, but I did. I told her I was in Chattanooga Tennessee on a bus to Atlanta Georgia. She told me that her and dad were on their way and they told me to wait at the bus station for them.
I got off the bus, waited at the bus station. after a couple of hours, they came and picked me up, and they were also relieved that I was ok. and we went on and continued our trip down to Florida and it went very well.
Fast-forward to now, I now still live at home with my parents. I thought that eventually, they would kick me out of the house for not wanting to get a job and then I would die of no insulin, but to my surprise, they have actually became extremely lenient about all of that now.
right now, they're trying to get me on welfare/disability so I can live out on my own, because autism definitely does count as a disability no matter how 'mild' it is, and throw in diabetes, that definitely effects it too, because diabetes definitely effects your mood and how a person functions just like autism does.
But still, I still to this day think that one day, worse case scenario, I won't get on welfare at all, my parents will give up, kick me out of the house, i'll have no way of getting my insulin, I go to a far away place and die, and then i'll be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. BUT people keep forgetting that I WOULD BE OK WITH THAT! i'm not afraid to die at all. and I'm not worried or sad about it either. But every since that vacation, I've been thinking about what I'll be doing after I'm dead, and I decided that I would want to become a ghost.
BUT it's very unlikely that I actually will end up dying any time soon. I have a couple counselors who are helping me get approved for welfare, they believe that there's a pretty good chance i'll get it too because of my conditions. I wrote about all of this on my welfare application too.
But most importantly, I want to be clear that what I'm describing here is NOT SUICIDE. If I really do end up not getting approved for welfare, being kicked out of my house by my parents, and not having any way to get my insulin, and then I do end up going into a diabetic coma and dying, THAT WILL DEFINATELY NOT BE SUICIDE! I talked about this on other webforums and many people said that I would be suicide, but it's not, and it's absolutely insulting when people claim it is! it's just as twisted as a homeless person dying of hypothermia, would you blame them for their death?? because if you would, you have a seriously messed up mind...
I also started seeing a new therapist in March of 2016, but that did not go well at all, and he ended up pissing me off and I ended up cussing him out and never seeing him again. I don't plan on ever seeing another one either and I honestly believe I do not need one.
But even though it's very unlikely that I will end up dying anytime soon, I still find it extremely entertaining to think about dying and become a ghost and about me haunting all the places I wanted to haunt. and I signed up for this forum because I wanted to talk about being a ghost here because I also felt that other people would find it interesting hearing all about it.
so my future post are going to be about what i'm going to do if I ever become a ghost and where I will haunt when I become a ghost (there's a lot of place I have in mind) but to give you an idea, here's a map of all of them:
^the places shaded in purple are were my ghost will be haunting.
I will be considered a "wondering ghost". meaning that my ghost/me will travel/haunt many different places. a couple people from other paranormal webforums tried arguing against that by telling me "you can not haunt multiple places while you're a ghost! ghost are trapped were they died!" but I honestly believe that is absolute bulls**t! I believe that ghost make rules for themselves and are not trapped anywhere.
also, all those places I've chosen are not random. there's very specific reasons why have chosen those locations. many of them may seem bizarre but I will explain all of them in my future posts.
anyhow, don't let my post alarm you at all. as I said earlier, I don't think i'll be dying anytime soon, depending on exactly how things go in my life situation, and my life has actually gotten MUCH better lately. I'm much more happy now that I quit my job! but I don't plan on ever getting another one either... I tried getting a fast food job back in March of this year but I ditched that after one day for many reasons. right now, I'm just going to try to get on welfare instead. and in all honesty, I really don't give a toss on how my life ends up, or where i'll be tomorrow. I just live life one day at a time, and that's how I plan on staying.
& remember, I ain't looking for any advice either because I'm not gonna listen to it anyway. but feel free to share your thoughts on all of this, but if you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself.
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