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CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Humor thread

Got this from the wife and thought some of the married men out there would find it humorous. It is also a warning to our single male members.

Dear Tech Support:
? ? ?Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
? ? ?noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing
? ? ?that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In
? ? ?addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
? ? ?now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as
? ? ?Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
? ? ?Racing 3.6
? ? ?I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
? ? ?attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about
? ? ?going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on
? ? ?Wife 1.0. Please help!

? ? ?Thanks,

? ? ?A Troubled User.
? ? ? ______________________________________

? ? ?REPLY:
? ? ?Dear Troubled User:

? ? ?This is a very common problem that men complain about.

? ? ?Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking
? ? ?that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife
? ? ?1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to
? ? ?run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and
? ? ?to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
? ? ?purge the program files from the system once installed.

? ? ?You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
? ? ?designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
? ? ?Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep
? ? ?Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
? ? ?installing the background application \"Yes Dear\" to alleviate
? ? ?software augmentation.

? ? ?The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
? ? ?because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
? ? ?before the system will return to normal anyway.

? ? ?Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
? ? ?maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
? ? ?as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

? ? ?However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper
? ? ?use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
? ? ?Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of
? ? ?Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
? ? ?Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

? ? ?WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
? ? ?With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife
? ? ?1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

? ? ?Best of luck,
? ? ?Tech Support

Cary
 

CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Humor thread

Got this one from my brother. Men: Use the decoder ring as needed. Women: Have a good laugh. You know you rule.

Cary


Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing!
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is
thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of
the room slowly.

Send this to the Men you know and want to help, or to the Women you know for
a laugh.
 

CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Humor thread

Sorry for the triple post. I guess no one else is finding anything humorous, or I'm the only numbskull who finds this stuff funny.

Men are easy. Why don't women get this?

Cary


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in the Atlanta Journal.


\"Single black female seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant, I am very good looking, a
girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights,
lying by the fire, candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. I will be at the front door
when you get home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420, and ask for
Daisy. I will be waiting.\"


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever.
 

CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Humor thread

While this isn't strictly humorous, I didn't know where else to put it. Some of the items on the list I know are true, others I hadn't heard of before so don't take it all as gospel without checking it out first. No, I didn't take the time to check any of the ones I hadn't heard about as to their veracity. Some of this stuff just makes you go "hmmmm"

Cary

40 Things You May Not Know

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickle the
company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it
will digest itself (eeww).

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a \"tittle\".

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print (no licking at the scene or a
crime!).

11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was
albino.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the
distance.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

18. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time ( ... and multi-tasking was invented).

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were
made of wood.

24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!

27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint
Mona Lisa's lips.

28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and
sting itself to death.

29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original \"Halloween\" was a Captain
Kirk mask painted white.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able
to make change for a dollar ( ... good to know ...).

31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in
quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

32. The phrase \"rule of thumb\" is derived from an old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb
(sign of a true civilized society ... not).

33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first class.

34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
(guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store!)

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often
stolen from Public Libraries.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator game.

40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space!
Because passing wind in a space suit damages the suit.
 

CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Re: Humor thread

Since no one else seems to have a sense of humor, I'm making another damned post. Kinda lays it out between men and women for me. LOL

Cary

?*The Difference Between Men and Women*

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. ?He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

? ? A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. ?They continue to see each other regularly, and after a ?while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: \"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?\"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. ?She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. ?Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. ?Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. ?Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? ?Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? ?Are we heading toward marriage? ?Toward children? ?Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? ?Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! ?I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. ?I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. ?Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. ?Yes, I bet that's it. ?That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. ?He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. ?I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. ?What cold weather? ?It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. ?And I don't blame him. ?I'd be angry, too. ?I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. ?I'm just not sure.

? And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. ?A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? ?They want a warranty? ?I'll give them a warranty. ?I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

?
\"Fred,\" Martha says aloud.

\"What?\" says Fred, startled.

\"Please don't torture yourself like this,\" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ?\"Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so...\"(She breaks down, sobbing.)

\"What?\" says Fred.

\"I'm such a fool,\" Martha sobs. ?\"I mean, I know there's no knight. ?I really know that. ?It's silly. ?There's no knight, and there's no horse.\"

\"There's no horse?\" says Fred.

\"You think I'm a fool, don't you?\" Martha says.

\"No!\" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

\"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time,\" Martha says.

? (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. ?Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

\"Yes,\" he says. ?(Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

\"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?\" she says.

\"What way?\" says Fred.

\"That way about time,\" says Martha.

\"Oh,\" says Fred. ?\"Yes.\" (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. ?At last she ?speaks.)

\"Thank you, Fred,\" she says.

\"Thank you,\" says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. ?A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring ?every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: \"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?\"
And that's the difference between men and women[font=&quot]. [/font] ?
 

CaryP

Senior Member
Messages
1,438
Re: Humor thread

<span style='font-family:Arial'><span style=\'color:Blue\'>Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, \"And if you were my wife I would drink it.\"



[/b]
 

KiraSjon

Member
Messages
174
Re: Humor thread

ooooo I forgot to re-post this after the move! :lol:

stop reading now[/b]. I mean it! I don't wanna hear no whinin' from this post - it's HUMOR. Enjoy!



\"Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and
support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you
said, \"in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman.\"

I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind
them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End
of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7 In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanness -
Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but
most women take offense

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2.
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
Oh, sorry. IS there degrees ..

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blasphemes lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. \"
http://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/kjv/index.htm
 

Zoomerz

Member
Messages
220
Re: Humor thread

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

\"You Want Fingers With That?\" - ?

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A diner at a Wendy's fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said on Wednesday.

?

\"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it,\" said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. \"Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited.\"

Local officials launched an investigation after the incident on Tuesday night and the medical examiner determined on Wednesday that the object was a human finger.

Officials are trying to determine if the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili, Gale said.

Wendy's International Inc. corporate office did not immediately return a call for comment. Wendy's is the third-largest hamburger chain.
 

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