New Age Ten Commandments

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Junior Member
Jun 5, 2017
Since all of the places I used to post have gone belly-up, I've decided to resurrect some of my old posts here (and in a couple of other forums). I do this so that my profound wisdom will not be lost.

Yeah, right. The real reason I'm rehashing some of my old stuff is because I can't think of any new stuff to write. I had to reach back to July of 2007 for this one.

New Age Ten Commandments

And Moshe went up into the mountain, with his old lady and a baggie filled with primo weed, for to receive the commandments from God.

And Moshe and his old lady did get wasted, and did rut together as the beasts of the field, until both were near exhausted.

And the weed was ablaze, yet was not fully consumed (for Moshe's old lady didn't really inhale).

And the Lord God spoke from out of the burning weed, and said,

I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

And Moshe was sore afraid. (Sore afraid, in fact, that he nearly pissed himself.)

And the Lord God said, Chill dude. I was just messin' with ya. Have as many gods before me as you want. Many paths. Same source. All is one. One is All. In fact, that's my first commandment: Believe whatever the hell you want. It's all good.

And Moshe did answer, Uh. Okay.

And the Lord said, Thou shalt use the greeting "Namaste" at every opportunity (or, if thou wilt not, then at least try to work the phrase "Love and light" into as many conversations as you can) for verily this shall make thee appear to be more spiritual than thou really art. That is my second commandment.

And the Lord said, This is my third commandment: Thou shalt be tolerant of all religions, except for the one you were brought up to believe in - for verily, parents are stupid.

And Moshe said, Amen.

And the Lord said, This is my fourth commandment: Thou shalt not pray. Call it meditation. Call it centering yourself. Call it focusing your chakra. But don't call it prayer. That's too old-school. And remember that the Lord thy God is a cool, swingin', with-it kind of a God.

And the Lord said, Let's see... number five... number five... oh yeah: Remember the Winter Solstice, to keep it holy.

And Moshe said, What day does that fall on this year, O Lord?

And God said, I'm not sure. Ask one of those Wiccans. They're always keeping up with crap like that.

And God said, Now for number six. This is a biggie. Are you writing these down?

And Moshe said, No problem, Lord. I'll remember.

And the Lord said, Yeah right. You'll forget all this crap once you come down... from the mountain, that is. Then the Lord coughed and said, Hey! This is some good weed!

And Moshe said, Woah! Don't bogart my inspiration, man.

And God said, That's a good one. I'll make that number six: Thou shalt not bogart thy neighbor's inspiration. And the seventh commandment is like unto it. That is: Thou shalt not steal. Stealing is just plain wrong, man. However, it's okay to steal the ideas and precepts from other religions and pass them off as your own. Do it just right, and verily thou shalt be a guru, and shall be made rich from the contributions of the gullible... er... I mean faithful.

And Moshe said, Fleece the sheep. Got it.

And the Lord said, Here's number eight: Thou shalt rotate thy healing crystals every two thousand miles, and thou shalt verily get good gas mileage. A tune-up every ten thousand miles is also highly recommended.

And God said, For my last commandment: Always keep a good supply of Kool Aid on hand. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Just ask Jim Jones.

And Moshe said, That's only nine.

And the Lord God of Hosts said, Huh?

And Moshe said, That's only nine commandments.

And the Lord God sighed and said, Aw hell, Moshe. Just make something up. Those morons won't know the difference.

And verily, a new age was born.