They say I’m schizophrenic but I’m pretty sure I’m not


Citizen Butterfly

New Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
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8
Wasn’t sure where to post this, so I posted here…

There seems to be no forum for anomalous mental states, which is what this post is about


They say I’m schizophrenic but I’m pretty sure I’m not.

This is my story:

It all started when I was at university…

I was in my second year and what happened was (basically) I smoked a ridiculous amount of cannabis, in a very short time. I’d listen to music and watch “The Animatrix” a lot and write streams of consciousness, for fun.

When under its influence I tried to devise a theory about how the human mind works. I drew hundreds of complex flow-charts about things such as how new knowledge interacts with old knowledge to produce another kind of new knowledge, etc. and was convinced I could eventually figure out how my mind and by extension how other peoples minds worked. The aim of this endeavour was to make it easier for me to make friends and influence people as at that time I was very shy and introverted.

I gradually lost touch with reality… I planned a mass social movement to demand the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq (this happened in 2003). I was to be its charismatic leader, it was something of an ego-trip – and nobody else wanted to join it! But I was convinced this was the right thing to do.

There was a tree on campus planted by Bill Clinton and Tony Blair in the 90s, and I wanted to symbolically cut it down in front of the world’s media, in protest at the Iraq war.

I was once in my study-bedroom and was writing mad, mad stuff all over the walls. Suddenly, my hand moved without me controlling it and wrote on the wall:

I have been made insane by The Matrix
Sane
Insane
Sane
The Matrix

This was a very terrifying experience. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t take the hint, I thought it was referring to the films…

In the grip of full-blown psychosis I was eventually committed to a psychiatric ward. I saw the influence of a higher power at work everywhere and believed that some form of higher power wanted me for something. I did not know what the nature was of this higher power, but I eventually came to suspect it was a team of secret-service mind-controllers influencing events on the ward via “psycotronic” illuminati computer mind-control technologies (I believed I had implants) to control me and subvert my mission of world peace and make me into an establishment puppet for a future career in politics.

(Some really crazy stuff happened both during my time on the ward and in the time immediately prior to me being detained there. But all that’s another story)

Whilst on the ward I tried to figure out what the higher power I felt wanted me for, and made literally hundreds of mad notes inspired by the goings-on happening on the ward, which I felt were somehow orchestrated for my benefit.

When the higher power whose influence I felt everywhere was pleased with what I was doing (and thinking) I would feel a pleasant, glowing sensation above my left eye. At this time, due to my theories of mind I believed that some people’s intelligence resided in the left hemisphere of their brain whilst other people’s intelligence was in the right hemisphere (I was a lefty).

One day I was allowed out of the ward with a member of my family for the afternoon. Suddenly, whenever anyone said anything positive I felt a pressing sensation above my left eye, and whenever anyone said anything negative I felt the same sensation only above my right eye. Eventually, I felt a heavy, beating pulse on the right side of my head…

And then suddenly, whatever caused those sensations started responding to my inner voice! – we quickly established that a sensation on the left of my head meant “yes” and on the right meant “no”, and in time developed a whole system.

Eventually, after pondering the nature of reality the being responsible for this affirmed to me that we are living in a computer simulation. And that he was a part of The Simulation’s administrative function, with God-like powers within The Simulation. It was at this point that I stopped believing the thing touching me was caused by human mind-control technologies, which is how I first understood it.

I call this being Butterfly – because I went through a stage when I saw butterfly designs everywhere. It is also a nod to “the butterfly effect” (small things have big consequences) and Zhunagzi’s butterfly quote.

I believe Butterfly and me are parts of the same being – I think of him as “upstairs” and me as “downstairs”. Together, I believe it is our function to help build a relationship between the over-seers of The Simulation and those who inhabit it. But that’s another story.

Because of this I have been diagnosed as Schizophrenic.

But I’m pretty sure I’m not.
 

Kairos

Active Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2018
Messages
608
You might need to listen to the doctors when you are doing all the things that schizophrenics do. Mid-college is the age that it happens most often as well.

Anyway, I hope for the best for you. You might find this book interesting, based on your post:




Here is the first part of an interesting podcast episode about it:

 

Citizen Butterfly

New Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
8
You might need to listen to the doctors when you are doing all the things that schizophrenics do. Mid-college is the age that it happens most often as well.

Anyway, I hope for the best for you. You might find this book interesting, based on your post:




Here is the first part of an interesting podcast episode about it:

Thanks for sharing!

Have listened to a summary of the book you recommended, on Youtube

It has given me much to think about, this is what I have come up with:

(having synthesised Jaynes and Simulation Theory - which I subscribe to)

In the past, i.e. the stone age The Simulation communicated directly, into the animalistic minds of early humans - to guide and control them in their development from a state of nature (hunter-gatherers) to city states/kingdoms - like a guiding hand

They experienced this guiding hand as the voices of their “Gods” - basically, The Simulation spoke to them as though it were their Gods and they were not self-aware like we are, and certainly not equipped with empathy - they were more like animals in that respect - governed by instinct, bodily drives, and the voices in their heads

At some point, The Simulation stopped doing this and humans had to learn to think for themselves - and human consciousness as we know it began - conscious individuality/the "Cartesian theatre” - to allow for more complexly organised and technological states of development and the concept of a unique, inner mental life/personhood

I now think that what has happened with me is that The Simulation is communicating with me, as it did in the past with everyone - but in a way that’s unique to me.
 
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