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<blockquote data-quote="Alyxavior" data-source="post: 12024" data-attributes="member: 186"><p><strong>The Mentally Ill</strong></p><p></p><p>More(later)</p><p></p><p>"Depression" is in my genes. Mostly from my father's side of the family. Fourteen kids, and I suppose, each and everyone could be described as having some sort of mental illness. At least by people that determine things that way. As for me, and my past, I work on me...I'm who I am, no matter what I am. I just chose not to give into the medication. I knew there was a better way. I may not have as much control over the situation as I'd like, but I do have more control than I have had in the past. </p><p></p><p>When I was 10 years old, we moved, and I really didn't like that decision. I had friends where I came from, and where we moved, it was a new neighborhood. Most of the areas around the house were empty lots and few kids roaming the streets. I didn't consciously choose to withdraw, but it is what happened. I began to stay in my room a lot, and read sci-fi/fantasy books. My mom isn't very emotional, and my dad didn't have much control of his.</p><p></p><p>Before we moved, I had all A's in school, most of the time. (My first D was in handwriting *chuckle*) Then once I got to the new place, I become more passive, and basically just let things happen. Passive aggressive. It doesn't quite work that way, though. I became crafty. I was intelligent before. The intelligence didn't leave me...it just found other methods of revealing itself. I could circumvent almost anything my parents did to get me to keep my grades up. I wasn't outright mean or anything, and looking back, I was quite silly, and a fool. I think I remember a thread in this forum talking about going back in time to fix things. Well, if I had one thing to go back to....I'd shake my younger self and have him continue expressing himself, and not become the rock he did. In reality, though, I would not do that, for now, I realize that everything happens for a reason, and from the saying "no pain, no gain" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I am now given the insight to know that I am going to require the strength of my past to do what I came here to do. </p><p></p><p>Even now, I know that I am not being completely honest with myself. I don't think I know exactly what I'm not being honest about, but the fact that I know I'm not is a step in the right direction.</p><p></p><p>I can still be considered "Bi-polar". Maybe that distinction will always be there, by the people that care. I just refuse to bend my will to that title. I am me. That is all I am. I will be the best "me" I can. "Know thyself." *nod* "Cogito, ergo sum." (I think, therefore I am.) One I made up myself: "Cogito, ergo creo." -- I think, therefore I create. Then there is the one I used to say all the time, which may be just as valid: "Cogito, ergo periculosus." -- I think, therefore I am dangerous. I am my own worst enemy. If I deem myself to be. I am my own savior, too. That's probably why I'm so divided as I am. I'm unsure which way to go. I desire balance. Balance, then, would be having to be creator and destroyer, both. Perception is what gives which is which. </p><p></p><p>My perceptions and attitudes in the past had created the "mental illness" i had fallen to. I remember a day when I had stopped taking my meds a week, or so, before. It was a Tuesday. I was off from work that day, and I drove around following cars and trucks, by reading the license plates and words on the vehicles. I felt I was being tested. Tested to be admitted to a code breaking agency. (I had done this before "A Beautiful Mind" had been filmed, and I hadn't even heard of the man before) I ended up at a gym somewhere, and suddenly the "vision" was gone. I *was* being tested, but the test wasn't the test I thought it was, until realization came later. Being off the medication now, and having that experience in the past, I am able to catch myself when I do these things. I had always looked at license plates. When I was a kid, and the family would go on vacation, we'd play games with them. Started out with just seeing how many states we could see before we got to the destination. Then it became an acro game. Make phrases with the letters. With internet, the numbers became letters, too. With the addition of numerology, the game became even more complex. I even, sometimes, get glimpses of images and futures by looking at the plate, and the car, and the colors around it, and was once told that I had no need for I ching, because I was doing the same thing with the plates. I still do these things, as I drive, but I don't just follow them on a whim. I have more control over where I go and what I do. </p><p></p><p>I believe that if a person's will creates something, and if that something isn't to the liking of the person creating it....they can create something better, and the solution is very close at hand. </p><p></p><p>Any illness is an illusion, and a sign pointing toward the goal. Once you find out what the sign means, you can follow it to the pot at the end of the rainbow. Most people, though, just refuse to listen to what their body, and mind, has to say. </p><p></p><p>With that said, I know that I don't listen as well as I need to, but every now there is, it's both a beginning and an ending. People are afraid the world will end. That's just their perceptions creating fear and doubt. With the right attitude, and hard work, they would be able to create the beginnings they like. </p><p></p><p>OK...my words have left me. </p><p></p><p>I'll write more later.</p><p></p><p>Enjoy!</p><p></p><p>Creo Amadeo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Alyxavior, post: 12024, member: 186"] [b]The Mentally Ill[/b] More(later) "Depression" is in my genes. Mostly from my father's side of the family. Fourteen kids, and I suppose, each and everyone could be described as having some sort of mental illness. At least by people that determine things that way. As for me, and my past, I work on me...I'm who I am, no matter what I am. I just chose not to give into the medication. I knew there was a better way. I may not have as much control over the situation as I'd like, but I do have more control than I have had in the past. When I was 10 years old, we moved, and I really didn't like that decision. I had friends where I came from, and where we moved, it was a new neighborhood. Most of the areas around the house were empty lots and few kids roaming the streets. I didn't consciously choose to withdraw, but it is what happened. I began to stay in my room a lot, and read sci-fi/fantasy books. My mom isn't very emotional, and my dad didn't have much control of his. Before we moved, I had all A's in school, most of the time. (My first D was in handwriting *chuckle*) Then once I got to the new place, I become more passive, and basically just let things happen. Passive aggressive. It doesn't quite work that way, though. I became crafty. I was intelligent before. The intelligence didn't leave me...it just found other methods of revealing itself. I could circumvent almost anything my parents did to get me to keep my grades up. I wasn't outright mean or anything, and looking back, I was quite silly, and a fool. I think I remember a thread in this forum talking about going back in time to fix things. Well, if I had one thing to go back to....I'd shake my younger self and have him continue expressing himself, and not become the rock he did. In reality, though, I would not do that, for now, I realize that everything happens for a reason, and from the saying "no pain, no gain" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I am now given the insight to know that I am going to require the strength of my past to do what I came here to do. Even now, I know that I am not being completely honest with myself. I don't think I know exactly what I'm not being honest about, but the fact that I know I'm not is a step in the right direction. I can still be considered "Bi-polar". Maybe that distinction will always be there, by the people that care. I just refuse to bend my will to that title. I am me. That is all I am. I will be the best "me" I can. "Know thyself." *nod* "Cogito, ergo sum." (I think, therefore I am.) One I made up myself: "Cogito, ergo creo." -- I think, therefore I create. Then there is the one I used to say all the time, which may be just as valid: "Cogito, ergo periculosus." -- I think, therefore I am dangerous. I am my own worst enemy. If I deem myself to be. I am my own savior, too. That's probably why I'm so divided as I am. I'm unsure which way to go. I desire balance. Balance, then, would be having to be creator and destroyer, both. Perception is what gives which is which. My perceptions and attitudes in the past had created the "mental illness" i had fallen to. I remember a day when I had stopped taking my meds a week, or so, before. It was a Tuesday. I was off from work that day, and I drove around following cars and trucks, by reading the license plates and words on the vehicles. I felt I was being tested. Tested to be admitted to a code breaking agency. (I had done this before "A Beautiful Mind" had been filmed, and I hadn't even heard of the man before) I ended up at a gym somewhere, and suddenly the "vision" was gone. I *was* being tested, but the test wasn't the test I thought it was, until realization came later. Being off the medication now, and having that experience in the past, I am able to catch myself when I do these things. I had always looked at license plates. When I was a kid, and the family would go on vacation, we'd play games with them. Started out with just seeing how many states we could see before we got to the destination. Then it became an acro game. Make phrases with the letters. With internet, the numbers became letters, too. With the addition of numerology, the game became even more complex. I even, sometimes, get glimpses of images and futures by looking at the plate, and the car, and the colors around it, and was once told that I had no need for I ching, because I was doing the same thing with the plates. I still do these things, as I drive, but I don't just follow them on a whim. I have more control over where I go and what I do. I believe that if a person's will creates something, and if that something isn't to the liking of the person creating it....they can create something better, and the solution is very close at hand. Any illness is an illusion, and a sign pointing toward the goal. Once you find out what the sign means, you can follow it to the pot at the end of the rainbow. Most people, though, just refuse to listen to what their body, and mind, has to say. With that said, I know that I don't listen as well as I need to, but every now there is, it's both a beginning and an ending. People are afraid the world will end. That's just their perceptions creating fear and doubt. With the right attitude, and hard work, they would be able to create the beginnings they like. OK...my words have left me. I'll write more later. Enjoy! Creo Amadeo [/QUOTE]
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