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The Mentally Ill
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<blockquote data-quote="Alyxavior" data-source="post: 12028" data-attributes="member: 186"><p><strong>The Mentally Ill</strong></p><p></p><p>Following the dream of hope on September 11, 2001, my whole life took a turn. I was very sarcastic and sardonic in my humor then. I remember being told that sarcasm is the worst humor or something, and laughing at them for saying it. Now, I believe it to be true...for it not only hurts the person it's directed at, but it belittles the person shelling it out. Most of my sarcasm is gone now, and I'm very glad of that fact.</p><p></p><p>*looks at the clock: 11:00*</p><p></p><p>*listens to Billy Joel sing "Downeaster Alexa"*</p><p></p><p>I've always known that I am a quick learner....when I actually decide upon a path. Along with being diagnosed as bi-polar, back in 94 I was diagnosed with 4 other "illnesses": Obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, and schizoeffective disorder.</p><p>I understood what each of those meant, except for the schizoeffective disorder one. For the longest time....part of me believed that I had these things, and it frustrated me to no end. Earlier this year, my psychiatrist told me that I was *just* bi-polar, and that the other four were just subs of being bi-polar. With that knowledge, the burden was lifted, and I proceeded to move forward and a more aliviated pace. </p><p></p><p>I've had a lot of great insights this past year. It helps when you're willing to listen to who you are, and accept that you aren't perfect, nor that you need to be. I am. That is all I need to be. The rest is luxury. </p><p></p><p>Currently I'm dealing with issues surrounding deserving and rights. As in...what gives me the right to want what I want...and coping with the fact that I deserve the things I do want. I've felt guilty for wanting the things I want, and for my dreams. I would notice that my mom would shoot down most anything I said. Her first responses to the ideas I had would be negative....rarely anything to keep me going. After realizing that, though...I began to see that I did the same thing to myself. I could blame her for putting that there, and I might even have a right to, but that won't help me get beyond it...and so....I choose to not think about it in that regard. Results and solutions are the best direction. I've been called creative, and looking back....they're right. I *am* creative. </p><p></p><p>When I first joined this forum...I created a whole new nickname for myself, in hope of moving forward. Now, though...I see that I am deceiving myself. From above, it's the acceptance of the Self as in the now only, that I can move forward. I must see myself as I am, before I can understand how to release the past. </p><p></p><p>I've been called the King of Puns. I've been called God. I've been called Savior. I've been called many, many things, in my past. </p><p></p><p>*11:11 now*</p><p></p><p>I suppose I should talk to an admin to see about having my name transferred over to the name I really am. I can't hide. Not anymore. That time is past. </p><p></p><p>I was going to write more, but apparently I can't seem to find the words. I don't mean to ramble on this topic, but I see that it all fits together. It's a grand puzzle, a great game. If you look long enough, and let it sink it, you can see that everything is connected. </p><p></p><p>Two Bushes...it's fitting that my "enlightenment" came upon the burning of a Bush. </p><p></p><p>OK...shower time. I need to wash this out. Another baptism. Tomorrow is a new day. Timeless, as it is. </p><p></p><p>Thank you for allowing me to express myself this way. Looking back -- feeling back -- I see now, that this has been seeping out, here and there, for a while now. </p><p></p><p>*bow*</p><p></p><p>Creo Amadeo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Alyxavior, post: 12028, member: 186"] [b]The Mentally Ill[/b] Following the dream of hope on September 11, 2001, my whole life took a turn. I was very sarcastic and sardonic in my humor then. I remember being told that sarcasm is the worst humor or something, and laughing at them for saying it. Now, I believe it to be true...for it not only hurts the person it's directed at, but it belittles the person shelling it out. Most of my sarcasm is gone now, and I'm very glad of that fact. *looks at the clock: 11:00* *listens to Billy Joel sing "Downeaster Alexa"* I've always known that I am a quick learner....when I actually decide upon a path. Along with being diagnosed as bi-polar, back in 94 I was diagnosed with 4 other "illnesses": Obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, and schizoeffective disorder. I understood what each of those meant, except for the schizoeffective disorder one. For the longest time....part of me believed that I had these things, and it frustrated me to no end. Earlier this year, my psychiatrist told me that I was *just* bi-polar, and that the other four were just subs of being bi-polar. With that knowledge, the burden was lifted, and I proceeded to move forward and a more aliviated pace. I've had a lot of great insights this past year. It helps when you're willing to listen to who you are, and accept that you aren't perfect, nor that you need to be. I am. That is all I need to be. The rest is luxury. Currently I'm dealing with issues surrounding deserving and rights. As in...what gives me the right to want what I want...and coping with the fact that I deserve the things I do want. I've felt guilty for wanting the things I want, and for my dreams. I would notice that my mom would shoot down most anything I said. Her first responses to the ideas I had would be negative....rarely anything to keep me going. After realizing that, though...I began to see that I did the same thing to myself. I could blame her for putting that there, and I might even have a right to, but that won't help me get beyond it...and so....I choose to not think about it in that regard. Results and solutions are the best direction. I've been called creative, and looking back....they're right. I *am* creative. When I first joined this forum...I created a whole new nickname for myself, in hope of moving forward. Now, though...I see that I am deceiving myself. From above, it's the acceptance of the Self as in the now only, that I can move forward. I must see myself as I am, before I can understand how to release the past. I've been called the King of Puns. I've been called God. I've been called Savior. I've been called many, many things, in my past. *11:11 now* I suppose I should talk to an admin to see about having my name transferred over to the name I really am. I can't hide. Not anymore. That time is past. I was going to write more, but apparently I can't seem to find the words. I don't mean to ramble on this topic, but I see that it all fits together. It's a grand puzzle, a great game. If you look long enough, and let it sink it, you can see that everything is connected. Two Bushes...it's fitting that my "enlightenment" came upon the burning of a Bush. OK...shower time. I need to wash this out. Another baptism. Tomorrow is a new day. Timeless, as it is. Thank you for allowing me to express myself this way. Looking back -- feeling back -- I see now, that this has been seeping out, here and there, for a while now. *bow* Creo Amadeo [/QUOTE]
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