Memo from Santa
===============
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North
and South Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and
Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also
get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: \"These toys insured by Smith and
Wesson.\"
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on
the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him
a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear \"On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and
Blitzen...\" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, \"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.\"
5. \"Ho, Ho, Ho\" has been replaced by \"Yee Haw\" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, \"I her'd dat\"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words \"Back Off.\"
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as \"Miracle on
34th Street\" and \"It's a Wonderful Life\" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see \"Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas\" and \"Smokey and the Bandit IV\" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
