Darrel,
This morning it was about why it bothers me so much when she drops the apple. It is about abandonment issues. It is because I have been conditioned to understand that "I love you" actually means "I will betray you some day because, deep down below this sweet pretty exterior and all the things you appreciate me for, I am just another selfish evil manipulative bitch." Every woman who has come into my life has abandoned me in a very selfish way. A few came back once they realized the difference. But it is too late at that point, as the trust is already broken, gone, ..."Tainted Love"
I know what it was about her that got my attention enough to end up in my subconscious like that. It's because she wasn't judgmental. Aside from all those other subtle indications she was raised right, aside from the outgoing friendly, bubbly, goofy little girl charm, it was because she wasn't judgmental. There was no pressure to impress her as a friend or otherwise. We could simply hang out and goof off and enjoy each others' company. She didn't care about any of that shallow inconsequential nonsense that humans so often judge each other by. She saw me as a person and not my clothes or hair style or whatever. She thought of me as "a really funny nice guy". Someone was a good role model and loved her enough that she knew the difference, enough that superficial bullshit wasn't even part of her focus, or at least that she was wise enough at 14 years old to look past it.
I've talked with her mother before. There is no mystery where she got that from. I am very impressed by her mother. She is one hell of a good woman, her father a very lucky man. They did something right.
So, in my twenties, while trying to sort everything out, trying to escape whatever dysfunctions in my head resulting from transgenerational abuse and negligence, shitty role models, poverty, etc,... all in hopes of becoming a better man ready and suitable, good enough for the kind of woman I would be so honored to have as my wife and the mother of my children, my memory of her stood out as different, special. She stood out as a model for what would be considered worthy of my prudence.
She was the type of girl who deserved to drive a Jaguar, simply because she would be perfectly content with a Chevette because she knows you love her and sees it as worth the trade off, because she was above superficial nonsense. I suspect she learned that from her momma.
But why was that so special? I'll tell you why...
It is because we live in a world where family values are all mixed up or absent, where instead of little girls being taught all things virtuous and righteous, they are taught they are entitled to marrying a millionaire doctor and owning a long list of 'things', simply because they have a vagina. They have fathers who reject abuse abandon or molest them and completely destroy their self worth. They have mothers who teach them how to be a selfish materialistic slutty self righteous vindictive feminist bitch instead of how to be a good role model for their own children. They are told 'pretty' and big breasts are important and instructed to 'catch' the guy who was born with a million dollar bank account who drives a Jaguar and looks like the ken doll they played with at 6 yrs old. They are reassured that if things go wrong, at least they can divorce him after the kids are old enough to not need mommy so much and then take whatever they want, ...because the law is on her side.
...never mind the guy who only makes 50K a year as a delivery driver, who is fully aware of the risk of marriage, who genuinely loves her, who would do or sacrifice anything for her, and is more than willing to risk what little he has and has worked so hard for simply to have a good woman to come home to, to have someone to love and cherish, and to help perpetuate his legacy by being a good mom. Why is risk assessment such an important aspect of all of that? Why do we even live in a world where that is so relevant?
Girls grow up, catch what they think is a worthy husband, but because they never had all those things virtuous and righteous instilled into them, because their parents never taught them what it took to have a happy healthy marriage, their marriage is dysfunctional and devoid of love. They don't understand their emptiness. They think they did everything right. Certainly, mom would not have misdirected them into a life of unhappiness. They try to compensate by buying more things(remember that?), seeking attention from their friends, maybe even another man. Eventually, their kids are old enough to be more independent, which gives her more independence. The next thing you know, she has left her 'dream husband' for his best friend who also drives a Jaguar, is seeking custody of their kids as if they were property, and trying to take as much as she can from him for no other reason that to reinforce her feminist ego that tells her she is entitled and righteous. She repeats the cycle with the next guy in an attempt to feel whole, only to fail yet again while her son learns to marry a woman who will destroy him, and her daughter learns the finer points of destroying a man to become equally miserable some day.
If this is you reading this, your 'dream hubby' didn't stop loving you because you gained 20 pounds. He never did love you because, like you, he thought it was about having a trophy wife. Your wife didn't leave you because you spent too much time at the office and neglected her and the kids. It is because her mother lied to her, and instead of understanding and admitting that she is completely lost, that she never really wanted you or your 'life' together in the first place, she blames it on you and takes your kids, house, car, etc..
And we men are just as screwed up for the same reasons as women. We think being a man is about being 'macho', never crying, driving a sports car and the football score, We're told that our chances of having a healthy happy home life and legacy to be proud of is primarily dependent upon the size of our wallet, and that if we don't look like the guy in the underwear commercial in our 20's, that if we have a little gray in our beard at 40, we are never going to get laid or catch that girl next door. We are told that if we have an average size penis that isn't 12 inches long, we are inadequate and will be left for a younger man with more stamina who isn't balding and will have everything taken from us by the law. We are told to chase after the good natured virtuous symbol of chastity with a nice figure and pretty smile that doesn't even exist in the modern world.
It is a sick twisted existence for many. We're being taught all the wrong things, everything that will ensure a miserable life of dysfunction self doubt fear and emptiness, ...all of which could be avoided simply by loving our children and teaching them right, teaching how to be healthy happy mature responsible adults and good parents. As it is, we spend all day working to provide all the nice 'things' for our family while the computer and TV raises our children to be obedient statist consumer slaves like us. We teach them a false reality based on fairy tale 'loving gods' who, if ARE real, more likely don't care or hate us all, and then expect them to have a clue or to be able to rationalize properly. We teach our children to share and be nice, then inject them into a world where survival depends on the ability to be the exact opposite, that we created for them pay taxes and and vote for. No wonder the world is so screwed up. We are all unloved confused selfish violent idiots.
What is this? ...1984 or Idiocracy? ...both?
Maybe I am a weirdo, but I can't help but to analyze my childhood, noting all my parents' mistakes, trying to figure how to not be my father, to not marry my mother, so that one day I may be on my death bed with the satisfaction that my wife and children will be fine without me. It's all about correcting the cycle of life in a world where everything works against it.
Maybe I am a weirdo because I take the time to actually think about what kind of father I had hoped to be. I think of things like not arguing in front of the children, and no matter who is right or who won the argument, that we agree as parents to come out of the bedroom from arguing to say "Dad said that...", and for no other reason than the benefits of understanding the whole Freudian thing. What kind of woman understands putting her and your egos aside for sake of early childhood development role modeling and gender role assignment?
I think of things like Electra Complex, and how I would love to take enough time out of my day to read my daughter a bedtime story, just to show her I love her, that she is my pride and joy most worthy my time and attention. ...all so that one day when she is in her twenties looking for a man, she'll pick one that knows the difference between a real woman and a trophy wife, that she'll be that virtuous girl next door for him that all men want to have, hold and cherish, that she will pick a good role model for my grandchildren, one that is like myself and wants to read their daughter bedtime stories.
That's what was so special about my beloved friend, my virtuous dream. She was different. She was the girl next door symbol of chastity who I was supposed to reunite with in my 20's and end up married to. She was my idealized Mrs. Right whom would facilitate my deathbed satisfaction, the one in ten billion women that defied the odds to become a happy healthy good loving woman some day, the one who god took away from me and everyone else who loved and appreciated her for who she was.
Even if things wouldn't have turned out like that (let's keep it real), she was the one who didn't deserve to die, who deserved the very best in life. She is supposed to be driving a nice car, living well and be very happily married to a dentist with 3 kids or something. Sure, she could have turned out to be another evil bitch, but I doubt it. Her mother just isn't like that.
It's all about the cycle of life. Like everything else, it comes around full circle. That's what all of this is about. It is yet another manifestation of my consciousness projected onto the time line. This just happened to be the trigger to set it off. Hence "Queen of LIGHT"
You can see it, Darrel, of course. But most people here cannot. They're all expecting Marty McFly to show up in a DeLorean with a next week's newspaper. I don't expect them to understand, yet. Nor do I really feel the need to prove it anymore. ...although I certainly can.
I would love to explain the full relevance of The Dormouse and just how many ways The Dormouse ties this all altogether to come full circle, ...or a bunch of circles, or however you want to express it. It is all just so vast and interwoven. WOW! But I can't talk about it in any less ambiguous terms as we are now/then/did/will, etc. I read about visiting grandfather in 1975 and crack up laughing. It is equally as unique a thought as The Dormouse, and ties it together as well, right here and now as much as the rest.
I wonder what that guy was really up to that day. Why does he care what I was doing there? Maybe I should have called him out and told him to mind his own business.
I see the loops EVERYWHERE, both definitive as well as ambiguous and abstract, the overt and covert. They are starting to connect. It is all starting to line up. I just hope I didn't make too much of a mess getting to this point. I suspect I have. Sorry. It is still a little bit unorganized. But I am getting there, ... I think.
It is so strange, like being able to read what is here and what I am thinking now, then think back to that day when someone let the air out of my tires, and to instantly understand the reasons why. It's cool to let go as my mind floods, and without the previous turbulence of being out of sinc. That's pretty kick ass to be able to view a set of events and circumstances without the consideration of the normal constraints of past/present/future. Even better is to not need the frame of reference, but rather to be the frame of reference.
It makes me wonder if there is even a need for this conversations. ...and is this ever one interesting conversations.(hee hee)
There is a sense of freedom in it. The normal reality most live in is without consequence in some ways. It is as if I couldn't care less whether I live or die, or even if I am alive, or how to define life/death/conciousness. It is as if the entire universe is precious and worthless simultaneously. ...row row row your boat...dust in the wind...yada yada...you know the rest.
That is WHAT the HUMAN species has and still is destroying. 
It is truly sad, such a beautiful planet 
NOTICE how there are no human beings in that TUNE 
lol